The Question About Having More Kids That I Always Dreaded
My husband’s parents live in Northern California, and we live in Southern California. We visit them often and go on trips with them. We’ve been to Walt Disney World, Hawaii, and recently went camping with them at Steep Ravine.
I think part of the reason we’re able to go on trips with my in-laws is because my husband works remotely and has a flexible job. As a substitute teacher, I also have a flexible schedule and can take time off whenever I want or need to.
The other (big) reason we’re able to travel with them is because we are a family of three. My daughter is older now (the big 6!), so she handles long car rides and long flights (about five hours) much better. She’s more independent and can entertain herself.
And if worse comes to worst, I can throw on a movie during those long flights or drives, and she’ll be perfectly content watching her favorite movies.
In our experience, it’s been easy to travel with my daughter because we already know what to pack and don’t have to bring all the extras we needed when she was little (baby bottles, bottle cleaners, a Pack ’n Play, stroller, etc.). Flights also don’t get too crazy expensive because we’re only paying for three seats.
Despite navigating secondary infertility for three years, our lives have continued moving forward, and we’ve naturally taken advantage of being a family of three — like my daughter getting extra one-on-one time with my in-laws.
Whenever we would go on trips with my in-laws, my heart would skip a beat as I waited for the question: “Are you planning on having more kids?”
Needless to say, during our trip to Steep Ravine Campgrounds, I waited for this question.
While my daughter and husband were out mingling with our new friends for the weekend (you can read about that in this post), my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and I sat around the picnic bench inside our cabin.
My father-in-law was filling my mother-in-law in on our interactions with the neighbors since she had been taking a nap earlier. He mentioned how each of them had one child and that one of our fellow campers had said “no” when asked about having more kids.
At that moment, I knew my father-in-law was going to ask me that once-dreaded question. True to form, he asked if my husband and I were done having kids.
The First Time I Opened Up About Secondary Infertility
At the beginning of my secondary infertility journey, I handled the “Are you planning on having more kids?” question differently. When we went to Hawaii with them in 2024, I shrugged it off with a “we’ll see” and quickly changed the subject.
When we went to Steep Ravine, I felt the question coming.
My heart still skipped a beat when my father-in-law asked, but this time, I heard myself being transparent about our situation. It almost felt like I was floating outside of my body, watching myself answer the question (lol).
I surprised myself because it’s not like I had prepared a whole speech beforehand. It just felt like it was time. Time for my in-laws to know about our experience and understand what I had kept bottled up inside.
As I explained our journey with secondary infertility, I kept wondering how much I wanted to share. It turns out I ended up telling them more than I expected: two failed IUIs, the possibility of IVF, and even the complicated feeling that my family is already complete.
It was interesting hearing myself say these things out loud because I had kept this part of my life mostly to myself over the years. But in that moment with my in-laws, I wanted to be clear with them and let them finally see how my husband and I view our family: whole.
How Secondary Infertility Changed the Way I See My Family
As I reflect on the moment I opened up to my in-laws about my family, I realize it wasn’t random. I had slowly been building up to it.
Over the last three years of navigating secondary infertility, I’ve had time to process my feelings and rethink the way I see my family and how I want to show up for them, especially for my daughter.
One truth I’ve discovered on this journey — one thing I feel certain about — is that I want my daughter to know and feel how deeply loved she is by me and my husband. Because of that, I’ve chosen to be present and fully live in these moments with her.
One day, she won’t want me to snuggle with her in bed before she falls asleep, and she won’t come running excitedly to me when I pick her up from school.
In many ways, secondary infertility has changed the way I view my relationship with my daughter, and you can read more about that here.
Why I Finally Shared My Secondary Infertility Story With Family
In addition to telling my in-laws about my journey with secondary infertility, I also told my sisters — just in a different way. Instead of having a conversation, I shared my blog with them (the one you’re currently reading!).
For a long time, they knew that my husband and I were trying for another child, but they didn’t know what I had been experiencing internally, externally, or the perspective shifts I’ve had to make along the way.
It took me awhile to tell them. I actually hesitated before sharing my blog, but ultimately I decided to because I felt ready enough and wanted them to understand my experience more deeply. Through writing, I’ve been able to explain my secondary infertility journey more clearly than I could through verbal conversations.
It took time to get here (and a lot of thinking and processing), but I’m glad I’m at the place I’m in now. Now that I’ve opened up to my inner circle, it feels like I can fully embrace my family as it is because it’s no longer a secret. The people closest to me can finally see my family the way I do.
If you’re walking through secondary infertility and need a quiet space to process it all, this is for you.
I created 5 free, typeable journal prompts to help you reflect, release, and find a little calm—one page at a time.
👉 Download your free prompts here.
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