A Common Comment About Only Children That Stuck With Me
This past winter break, my little family and I took a trip to Disney World in Orlando, Florida with my parents-in-law. My daughter loves Disneyland (and so do I), so we were especially excited for this trip—particularly because I had never been to Disney World before.
While we were waiting in line for the Ratatouille ride, my father-in-law asked my husband about having more kids. He mentioned that a former student of his, who was an only child, had once said it was a “painfully lonely experience.”
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My husband responded by saying that loneliness in childhood often comes down to parenting style and parent involvement. My father-in-law wasn’t speaking directly to me, so I wasn’t fully paying attention to the conversation at the time.
Later, back in our hotel room, my husband told me about what his dad had said. At first, I laughed because it felt like such a silly comment. But the more I thought about it, the more it stuck with me. Part of the reason is that for a long time, I also believed my daughter would have a lonely childhood as an only child.
That comment made me question a belief I had held for years—and forced me to rethink what actually makes a childhood lonely.
Now that I’ve been navigating secondary infertility for almost three years, I see that notion as nonsense—but it did take me a long time to unlearn that myth.
Why People Believe Only Children Are Lonely (and Why That Belief Hurts Parents)
When my husband and I first started trying for our second child, I’ll admit that one of the main reasons I wanted another baby was so my daughter could have a companion—a built-in best friend for life. But month after month of negative pregnancy tests slowly wore me down. I started to feel like I was failing as a mom.
The idea that a sibling is a “gift” to your child is constantly reinforced, especially on social media. It seemed like every influencer had two, three, four, or even five kids. During the first year—and well into the second year—of trying to conceive, I found myself deeply affected by posts announcing new babies with captions like, “The greatest gift I could give you is a sister/brother.”
Those phrases hurt more than I care to admit. They made me feel like my body wasn’t working “correctly” and that I was failing to give my daughter this supposed built-in best friend. As negative tests piled up, my anxiety often got the best of me. I’d find myself scrolling Reddit late at night, searching for reassurance—wondering if families of three were happy or if only children grew up lonely, upset, or resentful.
When people asked, “Don’t you want your daughter to have a sibling?” or said things like, “You’re next,” I knew they were well-meaning comments—especially coming from my parents-in-law, who were simply excited about the possibility of more grandchildren.
But they still stung deeply. It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying to get pregnant—quite the opposite. I was tracking ovulation, monitoring discharge, eating carefully, trying fertility massages, and giving myself shots for IUIs (I talk more about how I tried to control the outcome of getting pregnant here).
What Actually Makes a Child Feel Lonely (It’s Not Family Size)
It took nearly two years of trying to conceive a second child for me to realize something important: the best thing my husband and I could give our daughter was ourselves—our presence.
All of the time, energy, and emotional effort I was putting into trying to get pregnant was leaving me completely exhausted, both physically and mentally. I was too tired to play, be silly, or truly engage with my daughter. Before I knew it, the day was over and it was time for bed. My mind was elsewhere, and I wasn’t fully present with her.
If that pattern had continued, that is what would have created a lonely childhood.
From the outside, I can see how someone might assume my daughter is lonely because she doesn’t have a sibling her age to play with. But the reality has been quite the opposite.
Because she’s an only child (for now), she receives a lot of attention from both me and my husband. When she gets home from school, we play games together—Twister is a favorite. And one unexpected perk of having one child is that if one of us is tired after work, the other can step in and give her that time and attention.
How Parents Can Help Only Children Feel Connected and Secure
When my daughter is older and looks back on her childhood, I don’t want her to remember it as lonely. What I want—and what I think most good parents want—is for her to know she was loved and that she had fun with us.
My husband and I are intentional about creating that kind of environment. We talk with her during dinner about her day and ask what her favorite part was. We play one of her favorite games, hide-and-seek, even though we hide in the same three spots every time—because she loves it.
And because we know how important it is for her to socialize with other kids her age, we’ve enrolled her in t-ball and soccer. We also make time for playdates with her cousins and classmates.
The Pressure to Give Your Child a Sibling—and Learning to Let It Go
The idea that “one child isn’t enough” or that “being an only child is a lonely experience” feels absurd to me now. I think these statements only become true when people internalize them and allow them to shape how they show up as parents. Children need connection—whether that comes from parents, siblings, or friends—to make their childhoods and lives meaningful.
Right now, our little family of three is doing well. And while I would still warmly and gratefully welcome another child in the future, it’s no longer my sole focus. Instead, I focus on what I have right now—and on making sure my daughter (and my husband) know that they are deeply loved and truly important.
If you’re still unlearning this myth, you’re not alone—and it doesn’t mean you love your child any less.
If you’re walking through secondary infertility and need a quiet space to process it all, these prompts are for you.
Download 5 free, typeable journal prompts designed to help you reflect, release, and find a little calm—one page at a time.
👉 Download your free prompts here.
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