The Illusion of Control
I think I’m a pretty good planner. After all, I was a teacher. For one of my daughter’s birthday parties, I started planning a few months in advance. I made a Google spreadsheet that listed the start times and duration of each activity: guest arrival, lunch, cake cutting, magician, piñata. Since the party was indoors, I even made a floor plan to figure out where each activity would go. A few weeks before the party, my husband and I moved furniture into the guest bedroom to make space for each station.
Everything was planned ahead to make sure my daughter had the best day ever. I even make our holiday cards (normally sent out in early December) two to three months in advance because I need to make sure we have the right pictures! lol.
Naturally, when my husband and I decided to start trying for our second, I brought that same planner mentality with me. I wrote down the day of my first period, used tracking tools, and peed on sticks every day at the same time to get the most accurate results. I learned about cervical mucus (egg white discharge — the most glamorous part of TTC!) and watched for those signs like a hawk. I even bought the expensive tracking tool because I was sure that would do the trick.
This, of course, all came crashing down when I still wasn’t pregnant more than two years later.
Unlike the prep work for my kid’s birthday party, the planning for our second child did not go as planned. Eventually, I had to let go of all the planning and control I thought I had over infertility — and my goodness, it feels great.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
If you’re navigating secondary infertility, I created 5 gentle, free journal prompts to help you process your emotions and find a moment of calm in your TTC journey.
This is a typeable PDF, so you can write directly in it—no printing needed.
👉 Download your free journal prompts here.
The Need for Control: Where It All Began
When my husband and I got pregnant the first time, I didn’t use fancy tracking tools. I found a random ovulation calculator online, entered the first day of my period, and used it to figure out my “fertile window” (which, honestly, I didn’t even know existed before then lol).
In our second month of trying, I was pregnant. So naturally, when we started trying for our second, I went back to that same trusty online calculator because it clearly worked before (sarcasm intended).
After months of negative pregnancy tests, I realized that my magical ovulation calculator wasn’t working this time. That’s when I turned to Reddit and learned all about ovulation sticks, pee sticks, and discharge (IYKYK). When I bought my first pack of ovulation sticks, I thought, Okay, this is it. This will get me pregnant.
It didn’t.
So I kept reading more about how to use them “correctly.” I learned that I had to test at the exact same time every day for the most accurate results. Surely this would be the month.
It wasn’t.
Month after month of negative tests, I found new things to try: lube, positions, timing, even fertility massages (because maybe my insides just needed to relax?). I think I kept trying new things because it made me feel like I could somehow control the outcome. Like if I just did enough, I could make that test turn positive.
I know a lot of us feel that way — that the harder we try, the better our chances are. But with secondary infertility, I’ve learned it doesn’t always work like that.
When Control Turned Into Pressure
Looking back, I think it’s actually the opposite. The harder I tried, the more stress and pressure I put on myself, especially when I felt like I did everything “right.”
I remember beating myself up one cycle because instead of “baby dancing” one more time during my fertile window, I wanted to watch a rom-com. Aside from that one night, my husband and I did everything the books and Reddit threads said we should do. I should have conceived that cycle.
All that control and planning slowly started to suck the joy out of everything. I wasn’t fully present as a wife, mom, or person. My mind was constantly spinning — wondering what I could do differently next time or what I might have missed.
Letting Go (Even When It Felt Impossible)
By the time we hit the two-year mark — and after two unsuccessful IUIs — I finally realized that trying to be in control wasn’t working.
I thought for sure that the second IUI would work, especially since my husband’s sperm was directly brought to the source. When I got my period about two weeks after that second IUI, I called my fertility doctor to let her know. We talked, and she mentioned that for my third IUI, I could try a pill alongside injections to prepare for the next round. We ended the call with her telling me to contact her on the first day of my next period so we could plan my appointments.
But when that next period came, I didn’t call. I didn’t want to drive in traffic to another fertility appointment. I also stopped reading Reddit threads about secondary infertility and successful IUI stories. The only thing I really kept track of was the first day of my period (because every doctor always asks that lol).
I decided it was okay to take a break from trying — and to stop being sad for a child I didn’t have yet.
Instead, I started focusing on being present with my husband again. Intimacy felt natural and connected instead of another task to check off. It didn’t feel like a chore to reach an end goal, and that made me feel lighter. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Exercising regularly and practicing gratitude helped me find balance, too. Going through infertility made me feel like something was wrong with my body, but working out reminded me that my body still works. My body moves. I can jump rope and keep up with my daughter. That reminder mattered a lot.
How I Found Peace During Infertility
I haven’t conceived my second yet, but I’ve found peace and calm that I didn’t have when I first started this journey more than two years ago.
There’s something freeing about accepting that I can’t control every outcome. I used to think that I was a failure because I couldn’t produce (not yet, at least) more children, but I don’t think I’ve failed as a mom, woman, person, or wife. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve learned to live fully, give my all to my daughter and husband, and really own my current life and circumstances.
Reflections and Takeaways
If you’re going through this, I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, and I’m rooting for you and for whatever next step feels right for you.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go. But maybe that’s exactly what’s needed. If you’re looking for a little extra support, I put together something that might help.
Here’s a link to 5 Free Journal Prompts to Help You Find Peace and Calm During Infertility. They’re gentle, reflective questions designed to help you shift your mindset when you’re in the thick of it and bring a little calm to your present moment.
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