How Secondary Infertility Affected Our Marriage
I never expected secondary infertility to impact my marriage as much as it did, or to reach into both the emotional and physical corners of our relationship when my husband and I started trying for our second child.
For me, it made me wonder if something was wrong with my body, and for a long time I fell into a comparison trap, measuring myself and my family against everyone else. It felt lonely because there weren’t many moms I could talk to without sounding ungrateful. (Read more about that here.)
Secondary infertility didn’t just affect me—it affected our relationship. We’re together and thriving today as a family of three, but back then there were days when I was upset, frustrated, and honestly a little angry with him. It just felt like he didn’t fully understand what I was going through.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
If you’re navigating secondary infertility, I created 5 gentle, free journal prompts to help you process your emotions and find a moment of calm in your TTC journey.
This is a typeable PDF, so you can write directly in it—no printing needed.
👉 Download your free journal prompts here.
Our Journey Together
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We met in grad school and always knew we wanted to build a family. I still remember the day I got my first positive pregnancy test with our daughter. I was working part-time (even with a master’s! lol), but we knew we’d figure things out. We were excited for the next chapter.
When we started trying for our second, we had the same hopeful energy. We imagined our daughter being an older sister, talked about baby names (we actually have a list saved up—lol), and looked forward to growing our family.
The Emotional Toll of Negative Pregnancy Tests
At first, I wasn’t too shocked to see negative pregnancy tests. I got pregnant on my second cycle with our first, so I figured it would happen by cycle three… maybe cycle five since I was older. But month after month of negatives started to wear me down, and unfortunately, my poor husband took the brunt of it. Looking back, I feel like I was annoyed with him constantly during that first year. He’d say things like, “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen,” which I honestly agree with now, but back then? Absolutely not what I wanted to hear. lol.
Hearing those words made me really angry and upset. I remember the tears and snapping back at him because I felt like there was no room to “relax.” I had ovulation tests to take, dates to track, and things to prep for my fertile window. Even though we were both going through secondary infertility, we were experiencing it in completely different ways.
The Physical Side of Secondary Infertility
I was frustrated because he didn’t experience any of the physical stuff. He didn’t have the negative tests, the periods, the hormone shifts. It felt like he had the easy job—just showing up during our “baby dancing” window. lol. Meanwhile, I was tracking ovulation, peeing on sticks every month, monitoring discharge, and scheduling intimacy.
I remember the instant disappointment every time a test turned negative. I’d catch myself thinking, Maybe I tested too early. And when I saw just a little pink discharge, I’d wonder if it was implantation bleeding—but deep down, I knew my period was about to start. It felt unfair and exhausting.
Worries, Guilt, and Irrational Thoughts
I also worried about what he thought of me. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I sometimes wondered if he thought less of me because I couldn’t bring another child into the world yet. A tiny, irrational part of me wondered if he’d wish he were with someone who could. Completely irrational, yes—but real feelings I had.
I also didn’t know how he would feel if I wanted to stop trying. We always pictured having a bigger family since both of us have siblings. But after a year and a half, I was exhausted. I even had that thought you always hear: “The moment couples stop stressing, they magically get pregnant.” So part of me wondered if giving up would somehow lead to a positive pregnancy test. (Yet another “method” I tried. lol.)
How Secondary Infertility Affected Our Intimacy
Secondary infertility also impacted our intimacy. Trying to conceive turned our time together into a chore. It became: “Okay, between this date and this date, at least two times… maybe three.” No spontaneity. Definitely no sparks flying. lol.
During that first year and into the second, I cried a lot. But one thing I learned was the importance of being honest with my husband. We had so many late-night conversations where I shared things I wasn’t sure he’d understand—how I was frustrated with my own body, whether he thought less of me, and whether he’d be upset if I wanted to stop trying.
I realize now that my husband just didn’t know how to help me through this process. He wasn’t trying to intentionally annoy me when he said, “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen” (lol). He simply didn’t know what to do or say when every month felt so heavy for me. What I needed wasn’t advice or solutions—I just needed him to sit with me in the uncertainty.
Growth Through Honesty and Communication
I’m glad I opened up, because he finally understood where I was mentally and emotionally. And I was reminded that my husband cannot read my mind (even though I sometimes think he should—lol). It didn’t happen overnight but through our late-night conversations, we finally got on the same page. We realized that being present was what mattered most, and that the best thing we can give our daughter is us. Together.
We’re more honest and supportive of each other. We’ve talked through our next steps. We’ve both done the tests to rule out any “easy fixes,” and we’ve gone through two failed IUIs.
Enjoying Life as a Family of Three
Right now, we’re enjoying life as a family of three—our little tripod. We know the day will come when our daughter won’t want us to read to her at night, or hold our hands in public, or hang out with us just because she wants to. So we’re soaking in this season as a family of three as much as we can. And if another child ever joins our family, we would gladly welcome and love that child with our whole hearts.
If you and your partner are currently going through this, you are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Secondary infertility challenged our relationship in the beginning, but it also made us realize how important the now—and the present moment—truly are.
If you’re walking through secondary infertility and need a quiet space to process it all, these prompts are for you.
Download 5 free, typeable journal prompts designed to help you reflect, release, and find a little calm—one page at a time.
👉 Download your free prompts here.
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