During our first year of trying to conceive our second, I often imagined what life would look like with two kids. I pictured my daughter getting along with her sibling and daydreamed about our dinner-time routines—my husband cooking, me washing dishes, and my daughter playing and bossing (in the loving way older siblings do lol) her younger sibling. Instead of asking us to play with her while we were doing things around the house, she’d have someone her own age to play with, someone to “show the ropes.”
You don’t have to carry this alone.
If you’re navigating secondary infertility, I created 5 gentle, free journal prompts to help you process your emotions and find a moment of calm in your TTC journey.
This is a typeable PDF, so you can write directly in it—no printing needed.
👉 Download your free journal prompts here.
My daughter is a gentle soul. When my sister had her second, my daughter was incredibly sweet to her new baby cousin. The first time she met him, she whispered in his ear, lightly patted his forehead, told him she loved him, and then quietly ran off so she wouldn’t wake him. When my husband’s sister had her second, my daughter willingly wore a mask around the baby (even though she wasn’t sick) because she wanted to protect her cousin from germs she wasn’t immune to yet at just two weeks old.
I imagined that the way my daughter treated her cousins would be exactly how she’d treat her own baby brother or sister one day.
Emotional Surprises of Secondary Infertility: Feeling Conflicted and Grateful
When we started our secondary infertility journey, I didn’t expect to feel two—sometimes three—conflicting emotions at once. On one hand, I was so grateful to have my daughter. On the other, I felt sad that we hadn’t conceived a second yet. Layered on top of that sadness was frustration with myself for even feeling sad. I would think, “Why are you upset? You already have a child.” But I was also upset because it felt like my body wasn’t “working” the way it should. I didn’t know if I was grieving a baby I didn’t have or grieving the version of motherhood I imagined.
Secondary infertility is a complicated, messy, emotional journey (read more about the challenges and emotions it brings here). And it wasn’t just the big moments that hit hard—these complicated feelings began appearing in the smallest everyday things too.
Everyday Moments That Hurt During Secondary Infertility
Something I didn’t expect was how heavy everyday tasks could feel—like packing away clothes my daughter no longer fit into. When she was born, we received so many clothes as gifts and hand-me-downs. A lot of them were too big, so we stored them away in boxes.
At the beginning, it was exciting when she moved up a size. She was growing so fast. Sure, I would get a little emotional because baby onesies are ridiculously cute, but I always thought, “It’s okay—my next kid will wear these.”
I remember one night when my husband was on the phone with his sister, who was pregnant with her second. He mentioned that we had a lot of newborn clothes stored away that we could pass on to her. When I heard that, my heart dropped. I had been saving those clothes for my next baby. But at the same time, pregnancy test after pregnancy test was negative, and I wondered whether I would ever even use them. Was it selfish for me to keep those clothes when I didn’t know if I’d have another baby anytime soon?
Going through secondary infertility kept bringing me back to these moments—the constant push and pull between being grateful for the child I have and longing for the one I hope for. If you’ve been through this, you know exactly what I mean.
Parenting One Child Longer Than Expected During Secondary Infertility
As more time passed, I started noticing how motherhood was shifting—not just for me, but for my friends. While my sister, sister-in-law, and friends weren’t sleeping because their second babies weren’t sleeping through the night, I was actually rested. My daughter slept through the night and regularly went to bed by 8:00 pm, which meant I had some “me time.” I also didn’t have to juggle two kids. There were no double drop-offs in the morning. No deciding which kid my husband and I would each put to bed. We could put our daughter down together or take turns. Compared to my friends who had multiple children, our lives felt a little more manageable with just one.
But with that extra one-on-one time came another realization: my daughter was growing up fast. The more she grew, the more I wanted to slow down time. The little moments—cuddling in bed, holding her hand in public, reading her bedtime stories—felt fleeting. One day, she’ll be more independent. One day, she won’t need me as much. And I may never get those “firsts” again: first steps, first words, first everything.
It made me wonder: Am I doing enough to make these moments count? And again, I felt that tug-of-war that comes with secondary infertility—loving this season with my one child, yet realizing I might not get to experience it all over again because I might not get to relive those early years. And as I wrestled with this shift, my daughter started noticing it too.
How Secondary Infertility Changes Conversations With Your Child
Something I didn’t expect was that secondary infertility would make me more transparent with my daughter—even though she’s only five lol. Most women in my circle have at least two kids, so naturally, my daughter started to wonder when she would get a “baby sister.”
I used to avoid the question (just like I used to avoid it when my parents-in-law asked about another grandchild lol). But now I simply tell her, “We’ll see. Mommy and Daddy are trying. No guarantees.” I haven’t gone into details (she’s five, after all), but one day, I will tell her the full story.
Finding Unexpected Joys in Life With One Child During Secondary Infertility
Interestingly, going through secondary infertility has made me daydream about our family of three in a new way. I used to envision us with at least two kids. But now, I sometimes imagine the future with just the three of us—how close we might be when my daughter is older. I picture her calling us when she’s away at college (I definitely didn’t call my parents regularly in college lol). I think about the bond we might share because she grew up as an only child.
What Secondary Infertility Has Taught Me About Motherhood and Family
I’ve learned a lot through secondary infertility. One thing I know for sure is that I can be happy and present with my family of three. And instead of grieving the child I don’t have yet, I can joyfully welcome that child if and when they come.
This journey has changed the way I see motherhood, family, and myself. So cheers to you, moms going through secondary infertility. This journey takes you through unexpected twists and turns—and I’m right there with you.
Motherhood doesn’t look like what I pictured, but I’ve learned that being a mom of one while experiencing secondary infertility is a blend of love, longing, and learning to hold both at once.
If you’re walking through secondary infertility and need a quiet space to process it all, these prompts are for you.
Download 5 free, typeable journal prompts designed to help you reflect, release, and find a little calm—one page at a time.
👉 Download your free prompts here.
Leave a Reply